My Children Will Never Eat Broccoli

vegetables

Well, perhaps one day I will be able to get my children to eat broccoli, but I honestly don’t see it happening. After 23 years with my husband, I can’t even get him to eat it.

It’s not just broccoli. I am pretty much the only person in my house who will eat fruits and vegetables. Elizabeth and Jonathan have a few things that they will eat (bananas, apples, grapes, corn) and Thomas will eat peas or applesauce. Brad is a little better, but not by much. I remember when his mother came to visit soon after we got married and how impressed that she was that I had him eating salad!

I’ve tried every trick in the book to get my kids to eat vegetables:

  • Bribery
  • Threats
  • Covering it with cheese
  • Drowning it in butter
  • Bribing/Threatening the kids to cover THEM with cheese or drown them in butter.

And nothing has worked. They would rather be sent to their room for the night at 6:30pm than try a ratatoullie that I made.

But that is fine. Of course, I would love to have the people in my family embrace eating healthy foods and I will continue to make vegetables on the off-chance that they will one day eat them. Thanks to my juicer, I am able to sneak vegetables n to their foods without them knowing it by using the pulp from the juicer in their foods. So at least I know that they are getting some vegetables.

All 3 of my children are happy. Their doctor assures me that they are healthy.

And in 20 – 40 years when they are planning my funeral, I don’t want their memories of me to be of me constantly nagging them to eat their vegetables.

I want their memories to be of the hugs, kissses and cuddles that I make them “suffer” through on a daily basis.

If I can achieve that, I will consider myself the most successful mom ever!

If We Had To Keep a Record

think-it-over

I have so many fabulous memories from my childhood.

One of my earliest memories, being born in 1969 is my grandmother dabbling in poetry in the 1970s. It was the hippie thing to do and my grandmother, despite her SHOCKINGLY-high beehive at the time, always tried to stay current!

She turned 90 years old 2 weeks ago and in just over a week, I will be travelling to Indiana to celebrate at her birthday party. She wrote this poem when I was about 6 years old, had it printed and gave it to everyone in the family.  Sadly, I cannot find my copy, but my cousin recently did and emailed me a picture of it.

If we had to keep a record
As we live our lives each day,
Do you think we would be more careful
Of the things we do and say?

And as you tally up the page
With the coming of the night,
Would you leave the page for all to see?
or tuck it out of sight?

Oh I wish that I could live my life
And never once forget
And do a thing or say a thing
I would later on regret

Happy birthday Grandma Callie!  Your wisdom and words are a daily inspiration to me!

This Is A Transitional Post

change

So remember that blog that I had about 5 years ago that none of you remember but a bunch of you were asking me to bring back?  Well it’s here!

So what has happened since then?

Well, for one, I grew a HUGE set of balls (ladylike ones)

Five years ago, I was a stay-at-home mom with a “silly blog” that only made enough to cover Starbucks.  Yeah – that isn’t the case any longer.  I still have the blog, but it covers much more than coffee.

Five years ago, I was a semi-new mom (or at least it seemed that way – I was popping kids out like a Pez Dispenser and there was always a new kid) and unsure of myself.  I’ve got a few years under my belt and I am fine.

Five years ago, I got sucked in to the monetization of my other blog and gave up this blog. It took my a while, but I realized that I LOVED writing.

Five years ago, I was afraid to tell people what I thought of them for fear of the fallout.  It happened to me before and I WILL blog about that event that stopped me to be a “personal blogger”  soon.  Let me say right now, I will never be afraid to blog about my real-life experiences again

Five years ago, I was not a Christian.  I am now. That does not mean that I cannot write about things that happen in my life accurately.  I can tell the stories. I can tell who of  you just completely annoyed me.  It does mean that I can refrain from calling you names.

Five Years Ago I was not a Christian- is that redundant? Thought so! That doesn’t mean that I can’t be snarky.  I am saved, not perfect.  But I WILL try to do my best to be good.

For those of you who know me personally, I can do this!

 

 

It Seems I Have a Thing for Gay Guys

Or perhaps I “turn them” gay….who knows?

(no – I don’t believe that it’s a choice.  I think that they are born that way.  I never made a decision to be straight…but that’s not even the point and I’m not going to get in to that discussion…onward….)

If you are someone who skips class reunions (I only showed up for the 20th and then proceeded to get hammered, so I may as well have skipped it),  people from high school have probably been frozen in time for you.  The prettiest and most popular girl still looks perfect in your mind.  The gorgeous, aloof, yet sensitive guy is still the same.  Your high school boyfriend is still as perfect (or imperfect) as the last time you saw him.

Do you know what the problem is with FaceBook?  All of those people are on there.  Some of them have improved with age and some others?  Not so much.  And then you find out that most of those guys who you spent many a night just wishing would proclaim their undying love for you….are now gay.

At least I have an explanation for the guys I made a fool of myself chasing after like a dog in heat and wouldn’t give me the time of day who were the targets of my totally non-obvious crush.  It wasn’t me – I just had the wrong equipment and they either didn’t know or couldn’t say (hey – this was the mid-80s.  “coming out” in high school was.not.done).

FYI: I reacted like any neurotic normal person would.  I started seeking out all the guys that I dated in high school or had a crush on.  Married?  Their profile picture is a Monument to Testosterone?  FRIEND ‘EM!   It’s sort of like that episode of Friends where Phoebe called every friend she had to make sure they were alive. 

But after my initial immature reaction, I started to think about it and it made perfect sense.  The reason that I liked these guys so much was because they represented the best of both worlds.  Looking back on it, I can smack my head and say “How did I not see it then?” (probably because they didn’t see it either), but they were gorgeous guys who liked Madonna, were good dancers, dressed great, were quiet and shy and never seemed to have a girlfriend.  They were me, with dicks.

They were the stereotype, without the limp wrist and fey accent.

And then I started thinking of the objects of my adult lusts….

Rupert Everett?  Yep – Gay

Neil Patrick Harris?  Gay

B.D. Wong?  Anderson Cooper?  BARRY MANILOW? (ok – that last one may not have been that big a shock)

So there you have it….I may be a grown woman of 39 with a husband who oozes testosterone with his DeWalt tools (although he DOES know the difference between chartreuse and lime green)….

But I am nothing but a fag hag!  And I can’t wait to hang out with them again!

The obligatory “I hate Sarah Palin” post

I’ve been away from this place for so long playing nice-nice that I am sure what I am saying is nothing new to anyone.  But allow me to go on the record about what I think of McCain (v2008) and his pick of CaribouBarbie as VP candidate.

It sucks 

McCain Sucks

Republicans Suck

Palin would suck, but something tells me that she just DOES NOT do that!

And let me tell you…it genuinely pains me to be so anti-McCain.  Anyone who knew me back in 1999-2000 can tell you what a die-hard McCain-iac I was.  He was a maverick.  A guy who told the likes of Falwell, Robertson and Buchanan to “Suck it!”.

And then he realized that he couldn’t win without throwing away every value he ever had.  Everything that made him a “maverick”.  Everything that made him a good and decent human being.  Everything that made me want to vote for him

And so that Giant Sucking Sound that you’ve been hearing for the last 4 years?  Has nothing to do with NAFTA.  It’s the sound of McCain sucking the dicks of right-wingers….the people who earned their well-deserved Seat At The Table in 1994, but never learned any table manners and who have been shitting in the punchbowl ever since.

And in Sarah Palin, they finally achieved orgasm. 

ok – enough with the over-use of the word “suck”

Sarah Palin – a woman who clearly doesn’t have her own house in order, but wants to walk the halls of the most famous house in the world.

A woman who wants to charge rape victims for their own rape kits.

A woman who has proclaimed her pleasure at her daughter’s “Choice” to carry her pregnancy to term, but wants to ensure that that is the only “Choice” the rest of American women/girls have.

A woman whose qualifications for VP include being able to “see Russia from her shores” and serving a few years as Mayor of MethVille.

A woman who isn’t able to give a speech without sneering.  She’s Ann Coulter with brown hair and glasses.

A woman who has no business leaving her small disabled child at home while she goes off in pursuit of the second most powerful job in the world.  Yes- she has every right to do so and no, I’m not saying that moms shouldn’t work.  I’m saying that THIS mom shouldn’t work….at least not now.  There comes a point where people say “Sure – it sounds great and I am flattered to be asked…but I’ve got too much on my plate right now.  It’s not the right time”.  Instead she said “Family?  What Family?  My husband can take care of everything, including all therapies for our newborn and planning Bristol’s shotgun wedding!”. 

Am I judging her choices?  You bet your ass I am.…she’s perfectly willing to judge my choices and sneer at them.  Tit for tat and all that….

And so…even though I have been a registered Republican since 1987…

Even though I have a vagina and according to the McCain Camp I should be tripping over myself in order to vote for other VaginaEndowedAmericans…

I will be proudly pulling the lever for Obama in November.

What remains to be seen is if I am pulling the lever in favor of Obama or against McCain

And the fact that I have not yet figured out which it is?

It sucks.